Writer and activist Malini Chib writes about how sexual expression is not expected or accepted from disabled women
I am a 45-year-old female. Above average IQ (double MA). Attractive. Witty. Yet I have never had a romantic relationship.
I want to be touched. I want to be loved romantically. I want to experience my sexuality. But I can't.
Because I am disabled.
The word sex and disability don't go together. Can disabled people have sex? Tauba tauba! A topic best not mentioned. Even though I have been brought up in a westernised, liberated family and social strata — the topic has rarely been brought up with me. Most people think that if they start the conversation, they will hurt my feelings. Why does the topic sex frighten everyone when it comes to disabled people?
Most people think that disabled people are asexual. Most people presume disabled people do not want sex. This is absurd because it is a basic need for us, just as it is for you. Our sexual organs are far from being damaged or affected. Generally disabled people are desexualised by doctors, caregivers, friends, family, and in many cases, themselves. Even social workers and special educators don't see the importance of the topic being thrashed out in the open. Instead they infantilise the disabled person making that person the external child. They stereotype disabled people as someone to be taken care of.
Professionals and parents have an aversion to talking about sexuality and the disabled, and avoid any kind of conversation pertaining to love, sex, marriage, and intimacy. The subject is usually brushed off with a remark — 'It doesn't concern you...' Or, they would say in astonishment — 'What, disabled people want sex too?' Disabled people should be content with what they have and not want more.
As a result, many disabled people experience a lack of information as well as significant distress and anguish around their sexual and personal relationships. In college, I had numerous girl friends but only one or two boy friends who would go beyond hi and bye. This was detrimental to my growth as it is only by communicating that one grows in one's thoughts.
There has been a lot of progress, worldwide, in the last 50 years in the area of disability rights and our visibility, access, etc. Activists, including disabled activists, continue to do a marvelous job in advocating equal rights for the disabled. But even in the West, which is far more advanced in terms of access and facilities — sexuality is still a taboo. In India, due to the enormity of the barriers surrounding sexual relationships, disabled people often find it easier to deny their desires. This denial of sexual identity implies that looking for a partner or acknowledging sexuality may make disabled women, in particular, susceptible to being branded 'crude' or 'sex-mad'. We are looked at askance for even dreaming of something so scandalous!
Disabled men are not as discriminated on this front as much. They still manage to get able-bodied partners. Perhaps because for the most part, in a heterosexual relationship, it is the women who act as nurturers or caretakers — glorified mummies!
A disabled woman is seen as unable to fulfill this role. I think men feel that if they fall in love with a disabled woman, they would have to play more of a role of a carer, than the role of a husband or lover. The infantilisation of the disabled, specially women, creates the impression that we can't nurture emotionally, run an efficient household, raise children or give sexual pleasure.
This is an absolute myth. I have just spent the last two months living alone and looking after my 94-year-old grandmother and managing 10 people — a thankless job. If I can do that, why can't I have sex? Because I must look and speak in an acceptable manner. Acceptable to society.
I have had a few close relationships with men where we discussed everything from my body, to disabled people having sex. But when it came to having sex with me, they quickly changed the topic by declaring, "You are not my type". Of course, deep down I feel rejected.
As human beings, our sexuality is inextricably linked to our overall health, happiness, and sense of wellness. Satisfaction with sexual life has been shown to be an important predictor of satisfaction with life as a whole. Therefore to be completely denied this aspect of human interaction leaves a deep empty void within us. It takes courage to speak out. I will continue to do so, even if it seems scandalous, because I understand the pain of this denial — for many like me who may not be able to express it.
Deep down I hate to think of it in that way, but it's true that the outward appearances still matter a great deal to men.
— Malini Chib is the honorary secretary of Able Disable All People Together (ADAPT)
[This article first appeared in Mumbai Mirror, on the 20th of September, 2011]
